I’ve struggled with accepting my personality for years. As so many of you know, I’m not the woman who is known for her gentle spirit and sweet tendencies. I’m the woman known for her sarcasm and willingness to argue a point. But so many days I’ve wished I was different. Kinder. Gentler. More soft-spoken. Less argumentative. I remember someone telling me my senior year in high school that it would take a special man to marry me because of my strong-willed nature. They maybe meant it nicer than it sounds, but it certainly didn’t seem like it in the moment… or the years afterwards. If anything, it furthered cemented the thought that had already surfaced in my mind: Being a strong-willed woman was not something to be proud of. In college, this self-consciousness about my personality only deepened. I remember cringing every time I heard the word “intimidating” because I knew that was just another reason a guy would have to not date me. My personality and sarcasm didn’t exactly scream “alluring bachelorette,” but try as I did, I could never completely hide my true self. It’s as if the part of me that spoke the truth- even when it didn’t want to be heard - refused to buckle to the pressure of being an “agreeable” single woman. Consequently, as odd as this might sound, I stayed true to myself but not necessarily because I wanted to. More because I tried to change me and just couldn’t. Now, more than 10 years later, I can finally say that I’m learning to ignore that voice from the past and embrace the way God wired my personality to roar instead of purr. A huge part of this is watching and learning from other strong-natured women; my primary examples being my mom and sister. I’ve been on the receiving end of my mom’s bold truth-telling personality and have come to be thankful for it. She has helped initiate change in her circles by her unwillingness to waiver on things she believes in. I’ve seen my sister march through periods of dismal news and little resources, yet she stays clinging to Christ more tightly than most can fathom. As I reflect on these two women, I can’t help but believe that if not for their tenacity or their strong-wills, they wouldn’t have overcome the trials they have. God gave them the tools they needed, one of which being their personality, to serve His purpose on the earth. … So, many years later in my quest for acceptance, I’m realizing there is both a reason and a need for the “intimidating” women as well as the women who are naturally welcoming. God equips us with the personality we need to work through the trials we face. Our temperament is one of the ways He takes care of us. If I believe that God created me in my mother’s womb and found it delightful to pick out my eye color, hair color, and body type, then I must also believe that he joyfully wired my personality to be as He wanted as well. (Psalm 139). Stop trying to be loud if you’re quiet; mild if you’re strong; timid if you’re fearless; extraverted if you’re an introvert. Be the woman God equipped you to be. There’s a reason for your personality. Fulfill it.
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As some of you know, I work for a private university and we like many schools start classes this week. This means there are a lot of parents missing their first, middle, or last child right about now, and in the many years I’ve been working with students, I’ve found there are four lessons for the parents to learn without their college freshman in this upcoming semester.
1. Leave them without calling non-stop. The temptation to stay extra days to ensure they have absolutely everything they could ever need for the first 150 days of college will be strong, but you must drive the car away from campus. When you leave, it forces your child to get involved in their new community. Say goodbye and let them experience all the highs and lows of being in a new place. Then, once you've left, don’t call every hour checking in on them. That somewhat defeats the purpose of leaving. Don’t fear the absolute worst if they go three hours without answering their phone. Recognize that not only must you leave them, but you also must let them breathe. 2. Let them fight through the lonely. I know this is like a knife to the heart for most parents. No one wants to see their child upset or hear loneliness in their voice. Your first instinct is to figure out how to fix it for them, which most often entails inviting them home for the weekend (or going back to visit them). Part of growing as an individual is developing strength to push through the difficult seasons- the lonely seasons even. It is completely normal for college students to feel lonely at different points in their first year. Has anyone ever moved to a new place and not felt the twinge of loneliness some weekend? Instead of inviting them home to what’s familiar, encourage and challenge them to meet new people and try new things. Help them see that friendships take time, and they will eventually find their group. Encourage your child to stay at school the first six weekends. I know that might sound like an eternity, but the weekend is where they will relax, enjoy what the campus has to offer, and will start to make friends. Loneliness will fade, but it can be a powerful teacher while it’s present. It can be the push your child needs to talk to their neighbor, classmate, or suite mate. Push through your own loneliness without your child at home, and encourage them to start making their college campus feel like home.** [**If your child struggles with depression or anxiety, you might need to be involved a little more.] 3. Let them figure things out. Your child may not get along with their roommate. They may have a terrifying instructor. They may get a parking ticket. They may flunk a class. I can promise you there will be something in their first semester that does not follow the plan because it’s life, right?! When does everything always go perfectly? When something unexpected happens, if your first instinct is to call the professor, the residence hall director, or the campus security, sit on it. Let your child set an appointment to talk to their professor. Let your child learn how to speak to their roommate about their disagreement. Let your child talk to someone about their parking ticket. We are not helping our children by fixing every problem for them. Eventually they will need to pay their own bills, deal with their own conflicts, and find solutions for their own problems. I’m not saying you can’t give your child advice and direction for what steps they should consider taking, but I am saying it’s important to let them have the conversations and take the steps to address their problems. College is a great place to learn how to “adult,” but too often college students aren’t encouraged to learn those lessons. Adulting may not always be a fun lesson to learn, but is one that is essential for their success after college. 4. Love them through it. Your child is navigating a whole world of “new-ness,” and even for the student who is a pro at navigating change, it can be overwhelming. Be the cheerleader. The encourager. The chief “You can do it!” voice in their life. You probably know your child better than anyone, so remind them of their strengths, their gifts, and their value. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are still one of the most important voices in their lives, and you can boost their confidence in the face of the unknown. I know dropping your child off at college is incredibly hard, but it’s also an incredible privilege. You’ve always known your child’s strengths, but now they’re learning how to share their gifts with the world. Your role as parent has not diminished, it’s just changed. Now you get to be walk alongside them more often than leading them and that’s a very special place to be. {If you haven't read the first part of our adoption story yet, please click here!}
My phone rang and when I saw it was Aaron, I was a little surprised because he knew I was working on a project. I answered and he said “I just got the call.” I, not catching on, simply responded with “Oh, who called?” He said, Nightlight. I responded, (still not catching on - because it had only been three weeks!!) said, “Oh what did they want?” He chuckled out of disbelief: “Holly I got THE call. They might have a match for us. When can you come home? They said they wanted to talk to both of us.” My brain simultaneously went into overdrive and shut down. I got home 15 minutes later and we stared at each other in shock for a minute and then took a deep breath as we talked to the director. We found out a birthmom in Missouri was interested in us. She had narrowed it down to us and another couple and wanted to meet us. Then we heard an even greater shock. She was due in 6 weeks. For further context, Aaron had finished his second year comprehensive exams for his MFA program the day before we got the phone call, and we were leaving for vacation the day after the phone call. The Lord’s grace in timing of that call was huge! A day earlier and Aaron would have been SO stressed, and a day later, we wouldn’t have gotten the call for 4 days as we were going to Cabo, Mexico. We made plans to drive to Missouri the morning after we got back from Mexico to have dinner with the caseworker and birthmom. We are thankful for that week away to calm down, process and pray! It was incredibly helpful to prepare us mentally for the roller coaster of emotions that we were going to be on when we got back home. I remember when we started the drive to Missouri looking at the clock realizing only 40 minutes had passed instead of the 2 hours I had thought! The time DRAGGED so slowly for me. Aaron is always more patient about everything and just told me to get comfortable and try to sleep. It didn’t totally work, but we just kept driving, and 9 hours later, we found ourselves running into a Target to change clothes, buy a ribbon for the plate of cookies we had brought, and go to the bathroom before driving down the street to the restaurant. I can’t really put into words the level of excitement, nerves, and trepidation walking into that restaurant. We had prayed a lot that we wouldn’t feel pressured to “perform” or “prove ourselves” but that instead we would simply be a loving example of Christ in those moments. I would be lying if I said there still wasn’t twinges of hoping the birthmom would like us, but truthfully, God worked mightily and we genuinely were more nervous about showing her love and sincerity in appropriate ways than anything else. We walked in, met the case worker, and found ourselves sitting in a corner booth. A few minutes later in walked the birthmom, who for simplicity from here on out, I’ll just call M. The dinner was more enjoyable than we could have imagined. M and the caseworker were wonderful. M was gracious, kind, funny, and easy to talk with. We shared favorite foods, movies, interests and normal, everyday things. The dinner went by quickly, and at the end, M told us that she felt really comfortable with us and would like to move forward with the adoption plan for us to be the parents. The only way to really describe that moment is to say it was staggering. To be looking in the eyes of a beautiful and courageous woman and be told she will be entrusting you with the most precious gift of life is staggeringly humbling. On our way back to Texas, we started making to do lists in between phone calls to family and a close circle of friends. We had decided before ever learning about M and Baby Girl that we would only tell a small group of people until after bringing home a child. The reality is that in our agency 1 in 4 adoptions end up being failed matches (meaning the birthmom ends up deciding to parent). Our agency did a great job preparing us for that possibility while also helping us pray with an open hand knowing that God is sovereign. If our match didn’t work out, then that means it was never supposed to. We wanted to be able to rejoice and support the birthmom regardless of her adoption plan because she was making incredibly difficult choices. I know it seems like something that would be easy to type now, but actually praying through that and believing that was definitely a choice we had to fight for. Not because we didn’t want to but because it was honestly scary. For us, the adoption journey taught us so much about our love of control and lack of trust. We got back to Texas and started a whirlwind of preparation. Our goal was to be ready a week or two before the due date in case Baby Girl decided to come early. If only we knew. Due date came and went. Finally 7 excruciatingly long days after the due date, we got the call. Not that she was coming, but that the doctor was going to induce the next day. Aaron and I packed the car and hit the road. We got to my aunt and uncle’s late that night. I didn’t mention earlier, but yet another way God provided was that my aunt and uncle lived about thirty minutes from the hospital M and Baby Girl were going to be at! We were at the hospital by 9am the next morning and the real waiting began. Baby Girl was in no hurry to make her entrance. At 4:25am the following morning, Eliza Grace was brought into our room and we fell in love. (The floor had graciously given us a room down the hall from M.) We were able to stay the two days at the hospital and it was incredibly special to be there with Eliza and M. We were discharged Saturday afternoon. We had to stay in the same county until our court date which as of Saturday was still TBD, but the attorneys thought it would be by the end of the day on Monday. So, we went to a hotel, brand new parents, itty bitty baby, and a whole lot of stuff! The first night in the hotel was… shall we say….. rough! Eliza screamed from midnight until 4am despite all the rocking, singing, swaying in the world. I’ve never been so happy to see daylight! Monday came and we kept waiting to hear about our court appointment, but we didn’t hear anything until 4:45pm. Our attorney’s office let us know that there had been an issue at the courthouse and so our appointment wouldn’t be until Wednesday morning. Honestly, that was really hard to hear for a practical and emotional reason. Practically, we couldn’t go to my aunt’s (because they lived in the next county) until after the court appointment. Emotionally, we were ready for everything to be finalized. We had emotionally been prepared to have it all finished on Monday and to find out that we needed to wait a couple more days was emotionally exhausting. However, we had our families and close friends praying for our strength, and we made it to the courthouse at 8am on Wednesday morning. We promised to provide a home for Eliza for all of her days. Within 20 minutes from the time it all started, it was all over. I want to respect M and the privacy of that morning, and so I’ll simply say this. We did not take for granted that for us to even be at the courthouse meant M had chosen the most difficult, loving, selfless and courageous action a mother can make for her child. She loves Eliza fiercely and we are so thankful she does. M gave us the sacred gift of becoming parents, and the magnitude of M’s sacrifice cannot be put into words. We then were able to go stay with my aunt and uncle for the next while we waited for the legal paperwork to be filed and finished allowing us to travel back to Texas. Being in their home was a total blessing and relief! They cooked us meals, helped with Eliza, and kept us sane as we were figuring out being parents! We got back to Texas on July 20th…. In a perfect twist that only God could have orchestrated because it was the same night Aaron’s episode of Hollywood Game Night aired which was so amazing since that’s how our journey to Eliza began. Adoption is beautiful and good and right. But it’s also complicated and hard. When you’re living it out, those two sides don’t cancel each other but rather sharpen the reality that the other side exists. Each person involved in adoption, the birthmom, the adoptive parents, and even the beautiful children, encounter both sides at some point. My husband said in describing our adoption journey, “Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions,” and I’ve found that to be true time and time again. |
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