Category: Adoption

Response to Abby Johnson

9/3/2020

Normally when I write, I poke and prod more than I rant and rave. As I write, I try to consider the person who disagrees with me because I want my words to build bridges. To help those reading figure out the next right thing.

But every once in a while, I write with a different person in mind. I write with my favorite faces in mind. I write from the deepest place of love that I can muster. Love that compels me to speak out on behalf of those I love. When I write from this place, my writing can only be composed from words of anguish. Words of urgency. Words of bold conviction.

Today, as you read my words I hope you will hear my anguish. Sense my urgency. Hear my conviction. Because for me, this article is intricately woven into the make-up of my family.

The faces that are in my mind as I write this time are my Black husband, my Black daughter, and my Biracial son.

Ms. Abby Johnson was the Republican National Convention Speaker on August 25th who spoke on the sanctity of human life. She was a former Planned Parenthood Director and has since become a Pro-Life activist. Ms. Johnson, however, posted a video on YouTube in June of 2020 that came under scrutiny. The video has since been removed, but sources state that Ms. Abby Johnson explained that the police would be “smart” to profile her biracial son (via adoption) because statistically her Brown son is more likely to commit a crime than her White son.

Ms. Johnson and I are both Pro-Life, White mothers of children of Color. But let me be perfectly clear, I completely and ardently disagree with her belief that my children should be racially profiled by police and seen as more likely to commit a crime than their White counterparts.

To have that untrue and racist stereotype, not just believed by a parent, but actually endorsed by a parent is something that I struggle to wrap my mind around.

If my daughter were blonde hair and blue-eyed, would I say that teachers are right to profile my daughter as a dumb blonde? To assume that she’s less intelligent before she has even opened her mouth? I thought everyone agreed a long time ago that “dumb blonde” jokes weren’t funny nor were they accurate. In this case, I would immediately call the school and figure out what that particular teacher has against blonde hair/ blue eyed students to say such preposterous things? So tell me why in the world would a mother play into an even greater, horrific, and tragic stereotype to assume that her Brown son is more likely to commit a crime than her White son?

Some will counter back with “well actually she said…” and try to explain away the horror of her statements. Actually she said that she assumes her Brown son is more likely to commit a crime simply because of his skin color. Ms. Johnson referenced and erroneously believes that the disproportionate numbers of Black and Brown men in the justice system are there because they are guilty. She assumes that there is no other reason for Black and Brown bodies to be oppressed and jailed than guilt.

She is ignoring major essential elements such as bias in the judicial system, bias in police officers, bias in the people on the jury. Or, even if we disregard the huge issue of individual bias, she has also ignored the systematic reasons, such as the laws that have been passed allowing greater sentences to Black and Brown individuals than White individuals for similar or identical crimes. In a quick google search, I uncovered many articles and sources stating that racial injustice in our judicial system exists. Here’s a couple of introductory headlines for you to consider. (I did a Google search for the sake of this post to show how easy it is to find credible resources.)

Black men who commit the same crimes as white men receive federal prison sentences that are, on average, nearly 20 percent longer, according to a new report on sentencing disparities from the United States Sentencing Commission (USSC). … A 2014 University of Michigan Law School study, for instance, found that all other factors being equal, black offenders were 75 percent more likely to face a charge carrying a mandatory minimum sentence than a white offender who committed the same crime.
Article linked here.

African Americans are burdened by a presumption of guilt that most defense lawyers are not prepared to overcome. As a result, African Americans make up 47% of exonerations even though they are only 13% of the population. Innocent Black people are about seven times more likely to be convicted of murder than innocent White people, and Black people who are convicted of murder are about 50% more likely to be innocent than non-Black people convicted of murder.
This info can be found on the Equal Justice Initiative’s website, linked here.

(For further examples, articles, etc… I would encourage you to start your own Google search.)

We don’t get a “free pass” for having racist ideology as long as we acknowledge life begins in the womb. The two do not cancel each other out. When our kids disobey, we don’t let them get away with telling us, “But Bobby hit Sarah at lunch!” We all know deflection when we see it in our children. So why do we deflect as adults? Sin is sin and shouldn’t be justified, explained away, or swept under the rug because a personal viewpoint makes a different sin “bigger.” God cares about the unborn child equally as much as he cares about the born child. It’s time that Christians in America start acknowledging and acting on that truth as well.

As I read Ms. Johnson’s words, my body grew rigidly tense from the sorrow her words brought, the anger at the blatant lies and slander being promoted, and the horror in knowing those words will provide further support for authoritative systems, as well as American citizens, to continue the brutal and often deadly interactions with Black people in this country.

I know those words are genuinely believed. Not only by Ms. Johnson, but also by some men and women who live near my family. By some police officers that might one day pull my son or daughter over while they are driving. By a teacher who might be my child’s first class of the day.

Her words remind me that my children are not safe. Not in the same way that White children are.
My children will still have to be on guard. Be extra cautious. Do the extra work to disprove the stereotype to stay alive.

Beyond all my shock, grief, and anger stemming from Ms. Johnson’s words, however, I am equally, if not angrier with the leadership at the Republican National Convention.

Shame on you.

You invited a speaker, who a mere two months ago, promoted wrong, erroneous and dangerous allegations against men and women of Color and then acknowledged and stands by those words?

We know that the speakers are heavily vetted. We know that the RNC was well aware of her video. We understand that your decision to invite her to speak, knowing her beliefs on racial profiling and therefore racist stereotypes, was - by all ways that matter- an endorsement of her beliefs systems. At National Party Conventions, you don’t put anyone on a national stage and expect people to only listen to and believe the words they are speaking in their few minutes of air time.

Shame on you for brazenly endorsing the belief system that it’s ok to judge someone merely by the color of their skin before interacting with them.

Shame on you for boldly declaring racism via racial profiling is justified.

Shame on you for hosting a pro-life speaker who does not understand that her racial beliefs contribute to the culture that allows the innocent and unjust killings of life outside the womb.

Republican National Convention, shame on you.

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Our Adoption Story (Part 2)

8/16/2018

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{If you haven't read the first part of our adoption story yet, please click here!}
My phone rang and when I saw it was Aaron, I was a little surprised because he knew I was working on a project. I answered and he said “I just got the call.” I, not catching on, simply responded with “Oh, who called?” He said, Nightlight. I responded, (still not catching on - because it had only been three weeks!!) said, “Oh what did they want?” He chuckled out of disbelief: “Holly I got THE call. They might have a match for us. When can you come home? They said they wanted to talk to both of us.”
My brain simultaneously went into overdrive and shut down. I got home 15 minutes later and we stared at each other in shock for a minute and then took a deep breath as we talked to the director. We found out a birthmom in Missouri was interested in us. She had narrowed it down to us and another couple and wanted to meet us. Then we heard an even greater shock. She was due in 6 weeks.

For further context, Aaron had finished his second year comprehensive exams for his MFA program the day before we got the phone call, and we were leaving for vacation the day after the phone call. The Lord’s grace in timing of that call was huge! A day earlier and Aaron would have been SO stressed, and a day later, we wouldn’t have gotten the call for 4 days as we were going to Cabo, Mexico.

We made plans to drive to Missouri the morning after we got back from Mexico to have dinner with the caseworker and birthmom. We are thankful for that week away to calm down, process and pray! It was incredibly helpful to prepare us mentally for the roller coaster of emotions that we were going to be on when we got back home.
I remember when we started the drive to Missouri looking at the clock realizing only 40 minutes had passed instead of the 2 hours I had thought! The time DRAGGED so slowly for me. Aaron is always more patient about everything and just told me to get comfortable and try to sleep. It didn’t totally work, but we just kept driving, and 9 hours later, we found ourselves running into a Target to change clothes, buy a ribbon for the plate of cookies we had brought, and go to the bathroom before driving down the street to the restaurant.

I can’t really put into words the level of excitement, nerves, and trepidation walking into that restaurant. We had prayed a lot that we wouldn’t feel pressured to “perform” or “prove ourselves” but that instead we would simply be a loving example of Christ in those moments. I would be lying if I said there still wasn’t twinges of hoping the birthmom would like us, but truthfully, God worked mightily and we genuinely were more nervous about showing her love and sincerity in appropriate ways than anything else.

We walked in, met the case worker, and found ourselves sitting in a corner booth. A few minutes later in walked the birthmom, who for simplicity from here on out, I’ll just call M.

The dinner was more enjoyable than we could have imagined. M and the caseworker were wonderful. M was gracious, kind, funny, and easy to talk with. We shared favorite foods, movies, interests and normal, everyday things. The dinner went by quickly, and at the end, M told us that she felt really comfortable with us and would like to move forward with the adoption plan for us to be the parents.

The only way to really describe that moment is to say it was staggering. To be looking in the eyes of a beautiful and courageous woman and be told she will be entrusting you with the most precious gift of life is staggeringly humbling.
On our way back to Texas, we started making to do lists in between phone calls to family and a close circle of friends. We had decided before ever learning about M and Baby Girl that we would only tell a small group of people until after bringing home a child. The reality is that in our agency 1 in 4 adoptions end up being failed matches (meaning the birthmom ends up deciding to parent). Our agency did a great job preparing us for that possibility while also helping us pray with an open hand knowing that God is sovereign. If our match didn’t work out, then that means it was never supposed to. We wanted to be able to rejoice and support the birthmom regardless of her adoption plan because she was making incredibly difficult choices. I know it seems like something that would be easy to type now, but actually praying through that and believing that was definitely a choice we had to fight for. Not because we didn’t want to but because it was honestly scary. For us, the adoption journey taught us so much about our love of control and lack of trust.

We got back to Texas and started a whirlwind of preparation. Our goal was to be ready a week or two before the due date in case Baby Girl decided to come early. If only we knew. Due date came and went. Finally 7 excruciatingly long days after the due date, we got the call. Not that she was coming, but that the doctor was going to induce the next day. Aaron and I packed the car and hit the road. We got to my aunt and uncle’s late that night. I didn’t mention earlier, but yet another way God provided was that my aunt and uncle lived about thirty minutes from the hospital M and Baby Girl were going to be at! We were at the hospital by 9am the next morning and the real waiting began. Baby Girl was in no hurry to make her entrance.
At 4:25am the following morning, Eliza Grace was brought into our room and we fell in love. (The floor had graciously given us a room down the hall from M.) We were able to stay the two days at the hospital and it was incredibly special to be there with Eliza and M. We were discharged Saturday afternoon. We had to stay in the same county until our court date which as of Saturday was still TBD, but the attorneys thought it would be by the end of the day on Monday. So, we went to a hotel, brand new parents, itty bitty baby, and a whole lot of stuff! The first night in the hotel was… shall we say….. rough! Eliza screamed from midnight until 4am despite all the rocking, singing, swaying in the world. I’ve never been so happy to see daylight!
Monday came and we kept waiting to hear about our court appointment, but we didn’t hear anything until 4:45pm. Our attorney’s office let us know that there had been an issue at the courthouse and so our appointment wouldn’t be until Wednesday morning. Honestly, that was really hard to hear for a practical and emotional reason. Practically, we couldn’t go to my aunt’s (because they lived in the next county) until after the court appointment. Emotionally, we were ready for everything to be finalized. We had emotionally been prepared to have it all finished on Monday and to find out that we needed to wait a couple more days was emotionally exhausting.

However, we had our families and close friends praying for our strength, and we made it to the courthouse at 8am on Wednesday morning. We promised to provide a home for Eliza for all of her days. Within 20 minutes from the time it all started, it was all over.

I want to respect M and the privacy of that morning, and so I’ll simply say this. We did not take for granted that for us to even be at the courthouse meant M had chosen the most difficult, loving, selfless and courageous action a mother can make for her child. She loves Eliza fiercely and we are so thankful she does. M gave us the sacred gift of becoming parents, and the magnitude of M’s sacrifice cannot be put into words.

We then were able to go stay with my aunt and uncle for the next while we waited for the legal paperwork to be filed and finished allowing us to travel back to Texas. Being in their home was a total blessing and relief! They cooked us meals, helped with Eliza, and kept us sane as we were figuring out being parents!

We got back to Texas on July 20th…. In a perfect twist that only God could have orchestrated because it was the same night Aaron’s episode of Hollywood Game Night aired which was so amazing since that’s how our journey to Eliza began.

Adoption is beautiful and good and right. But it’s also complicated and hard. When you’re living it out, those two sides don’t cancel each other but rather sharpen the reality that the other side exists. Each person involved in adoption, the birthmom, the adoptive parents, and even the beautiful children, encounter both sides at some point. My husband said in describing our adoption journey, “Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions,” and I’ve found that to be true time and time again.