Bursting my illusion of control

I was pretty unaware of of the extent to which I liked control until a couple of months ago. Someone who likes structure? Yes. Plans? Yes. Clear expectations? Yes. But ask me if I’m a controlling person and I would say of course not. I’m not controlling about everything in my life- just in the areas that matter most. So….. controlling? Well… yes, maybe so.
My husband graduated with his Master’s in May and we had been planning a celebratory trip for a while. As with all things, the closer we got to his graduation and our vacation, the plans ended up shifting slightly. Instead of us dropping our daughter off at my parent’s for the next 5 days, it worked out that we could just send her with them when they left after Aaron’s graduation weekend. That Monday morning, we loaded Eliza’s clothes, bottles, toys, and then Eliza. My parents drove off with us staring after them. I was genuinely surprised to find that I got pretty emotional watching them drive away. As we walked inside, Aaron and I commented that neither of us thought that would be that hard. It’s an unsettling feeling to watch your world be driven off. You shift from being the protector to the bystander.
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However, as I talked through it with Aaron more, we recognized that in truth, we had no more control over Eliza’s safety than my parents. Although we assume that when we are with her, or driving her, we protect and control Eliza’s safekeeping, the brutal truth is, we don’t control one single thing.  That is so hard to acknowledge! It’s so much easier and more satisfying to think I can keep my daughter safe.  God brought me face to face with that lie and my lack of trust on that Monday in May. Over the next 8 or 9 hours, I prayed, pleaded, and begged God for His protection for that SUV and the lives inside of it. Many times, I caught myself getting more wrapped up in my worry than I did my Savior.  
 
I have a much greater respect for Abraham when God called him to surrender Isaac.* Abraham knew he couldn’t control the outcome of that journey, yet still he moved forward with willingness to surrender his son. However, that surrender was partnered with an unshakable faith that the One who controls the endings would provide. The only way to truly surrender this illusion of control and not be consumed by fear is to intimately know the One we surrender to. When we know God’s character as deeply as Abraham did, then we trust as deeply as Abraham did. True surrender requires true intimacy, and then we understand and know for ourselves “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding”. *
 
My parents and Eliza made it safely to Oklahoma, and I am so thankful for it. However, I also learned to be thankful that God opened my eyes to see how much I don’t trust Him with the things that truly matter. Instead I’ve been operating under the illusion of control- the illusion that I could somehow control the outcome for my loved ones. And although in one sense, it’s terrifying to realize you can not control anything, it’s also a necessary component to grow in our walk with the Lord.
 
What’s your illusion of control? The areas that are hardest to surrender are always the most important.

*Genesis 22; Philippians 4:7