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Bursting my illusion of control

7/25/2018

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I was pretty unaware of of the extent to which I liked control until a couple of months ago. Someone who likes structure? Yes. Plans? Yes. Clear expectations? Yes. But ask me if I’m a controlling person and I would say of course not. I’m not controlling about everything in my life- just in the areas that matter most. So….. controlling? Well… yes, maybe so.
My husband graduated with his Master’s in May and we had been planning a celebratory trip for a while. As with all things, the closer we got to his graduation and our vacation, the plans ended up shifting slightly. Instead of us dropping our daughter off at my parent’s for the next 5 days, it worked out that we could just send her with them when they left after Aaron’s graduation weekend. That Monday morning, we loaded Eliza’s clothes, bottles, toys, and then Eliza. My parents drove off with us staring after them. I was genuinely surprised to find that I got pretty emotional watching them drive away. As we walked inside, Aaron and I commented that neither of us thought that would be that hard. It’s an unsettling feeling to watch your world be driven off. You shift from being the protector to the bystander.

However, as I talked through it with Aaron more, we recognized that in truth, we had no more control over Eliza’s safety than my parents. Although we assume that when we are with her, or driving her, we protect and control Eliza’s safekeeping, the brutal truth is, we don’t control one single thing. That is so hard to acknowledge! It’s so much easier and more satisfying to think I can keep my daughter safe. God brought me face to face with that lie and my lack of trust on that Monday in May. Over the next 8 or 9 hours, I prayed, pleaded, and begged God for His protection for that SUV and the lives inside of it. Many times, I caught myself getting more wrapped up in my worry than I did my Savior.

I have a much greater respect for Abraham when God called him to surrender Isaac.* Abraham knew he couldn’t control the outcome of that journey, yet still he moved forward with willingness to surrender his son. However, that surrender was partnered with an unshakable faith that the One who controls the endings would provide. The only way to truly surrender this illusion of control and not be consumed by fear is to intimately know the One we surrender to. When we know God’s character as deeply as Abraham did, then we trust as deeply as Abraham did. True surrender requires true intimacy, and then we understand and know for ourselves “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding”. *

My parents and Eliza made it safely to Oklahoma, and I am so thankful for it. However, I also learned to be thankful that God opened my eyes to see how much I don’t trust Him with the things that truly matter. Instead I’ve been operating under the illusion of control- the illusion that I could somehow control the outcome for my loved ones. And although in one sense, it’s terrifying to realize you can not control anything, it’s also a necessary component to grow in our walk with the Lord.

What’s your illusion of control? The areas that are hardest to surrender are always the most important.

*Genesis 22; Philippians 4:7

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Time for change

6/19/2018

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Ever go through a season where you need change? Maybe you rearrange your furniture. Maybe you chop your hair. Maybe you look for a new job. Recently I’ve found myself wanting some habits in my life to change but feeling frustrated when week after week they did not. My husband read a book recently that challenged the routine of life. The author made the point that no one will change your life for you. You are the only one that can author the changes. I know that is not a radical new concept that the world has never heard before. We’ve all probably heard that 100 times over. However, this time it stuck with me and has brought substantial change in the areas that I’ve applied it.

It started with my devotions. This past year, consistent devotional times were really hard to accomplish when Eliza was a newborn. As she got older, the inconsistency continued because it was easier to keep my life the same than find ways to make changes. I said more times than I can count that I needed to get back in the Word. I included it in my daily to do list, and although that did help a little bit, my consistency was still poor.

It wasn’t until I finally faced the cold reality that there was no excuse I could offer that would be sufficient. I wasn’t doing my quiet time regularly because I wasn’t making time for it. No amount of “I need to’s” or “I’ll get back in the Word tomorrows” would change that. No one was going to wave a magic wand and give me 25 hours in a day instead of 24.

So, I’m doing the changing. I’m re-arranging priorities. I’m initiating changes in my life instead of waiting for my life to change. For me, it started with my goals for my quiet times, and it has now expanded to goals for personal growth. I have found that as I initiate the changes with the “small” goals, my “big” goals don’t seem as far off.

So let me ask you the question that I’ve been asking myself recently …. What’s stopping you from making the change?

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Learning to hug the floor

5/30/2018

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If I am being honest, I must admit that in my adult years, in almost every (if not every) life stage, I have been ready and eager to see the next one arrive. The next season always had the hope of circumstances or events occurring that the current season lacked. When I was single, I wanted to be married. When I worked in the business world, I wanted to be in ministry. When I had an apartment, I wanted a house. The list could go and on. I believe that this “next stage” hope is something many of us fall into on a regular basis. We are continually looking for the next season because the future still holds hope and mystery. It’s full of potential whereas our present is full of monotony.

My daughter is almost 11 months old and is trying to figure out walking, which is a typical time frame if not a little early. However, crawling was a whole different matter. She refused to crawl! We tried getting down on our hands and knees and showing her; we tried propping her up on all fours; we tried helping her move her legs and arms. Nothing. Instead, we caught her many times, hugging the floor. I know, it’s odd, but that’s what she did! She would lay down and put her arms out, and head down, and just enjoy being on the floor. Sometimes she would even lick it, much to my dismay. Think I’m exaggerating? Just look!

One day, as I was trying to get her to crawl, and she assumed the “hug a floor” position with a big smile on her face, I was struck with the truth that Eliza is content. She was in no hurry to move onto the next life stage. In a moment of transparency, I had to ask myself, isn’t that what God has asked of me? To not only be content with His timing, His plan, and His provision, but to even find joy in it? I have tried to manipulate my circumstances to get me out of this stage when I could have been resting in it. As I looked at my daughter, I realized I needed to be more like her (minus the licking the floor part) and less in a hurry.

The truth is, the present isn’t monotony and routine if I’m living with the expectation that God is working- even through the mundane. And more often than not, not only is God working in the mundane, He’s working on me in that time. Maybe I need to figure out an adult version of the “hug a floor” pose.

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